Apr 3, 2009

***sigh*** I wish I could be at home right now........

This night has sucked. Michael and Robbie got into an argument. I'm told it was over the fact that Michael wouldn't call me at work to see if Robbie could walk to some girl's house. I'm guessing it was raining at that time, although I don't know exactly when this all went down. So Robbie gets all mad and goes to cussing and whatever. I'm not exactly sure what was said between the two of them, but Michael says Robbie was being very disrespectful to him, in front of the company Michael had over.

Long story short, Robbie is back at Momma's. Which breaks my heart. Michael ended up calling me at work to tell me. I have been stuck here at work crying off and on since 9:30. At one point, I cried so hard I started hyperventilating and had to sit down. I'm so afraid my brother will go back to jail before I get to see him again, before I can tell him one more time, face to face, that I love him.

I'm afraid if that happens, he will do something to himself. After all, he tried the last time he was locked up, and they sent him to be evaluated. No one told me because they didn't want to upset me since I'm pregnant, which I understand. I am, after all, the family worrier. I worry about all my relatives, and try to take care of them all. But I can't, there's too much they all need and only one me. There's no where near enough of me to go around. So I'm left to chose what to try to help and what to let go the way it is. But how am I supposed to chose between people I love so much, when they need my help?

I worry so much about my mom, and my sister, and my grandparents. Are they OK? They say they are, but are they really OK? I worry even more about my brother. Will he stay out of trouble? Will he go back to jail? Will he try something stupid again? My sister-in-law, who is *thisclose* to going into labor and having her twins waaaay too early. My stepson. Do we spend enough time with him? Do enough for him? My pregnancy. It was so easy to get pregnant, and it's been such an easy pregnancy, I can't shake the feeling that something will go wrong still. Our bills. We are trying to help so many of our family members that it's starting to strain our budget. Not to serious proportions, but we have had to tighten our belts a little when it came to buying extras this past paycheck. Thankfully, Michael sold that old truck, if the guy brings the money. Another thing not helping the paycheck this past time was the two traffic tickets we had to pay. That was over $300 we could have used elsewhere.The next paycheck should have us back on track. Our finances could be a lot (and I mean a LOT) worse than they are. I'm grateful I have my job. Michael is supposed to go to work Monday temporarily, so that will help, too. Eric finally has enough work for Michael to be able to work with them a little bit. It's been rough on them, too. Eric has mostly been working for other people, not for himself.

I will be so glad when 6:00 gets here. I am so ready to go home and go to sleep. I'm so glad this is my last night at work until the last half of August or middle of September, depending on when I come back to work from my leave this summer. And my baby shower is Saturday, which should thrill me, but at the moment it doesn't help how I feel. Pooh is getting to come. We'll have to get our recliner and take it to the shower or something, because she can't sit straight up. She has to recline or lay on her side. So I don't know how we're going to do that. I guess we'll see. I wish our recliver was smaller. It would be easier to bring downstairs and get to the community center. I'm leaving that up to Michael. I don't have the energy or mental capacity to deal with it right now.

6:00 better hurry up and come soon.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just imagine how horrible you will feel sitting at work while your baby is at home with Dad. Better get used to this type of situation.

Pray to the Lord that you will find the light and realize that a child needs and deserves his mother at home.

Patricia said...

Thanks for your insight, Anonymous. However, seeing that I make about $100K+ a year and my husband only makes about $40K working full time, I think the better solution for us is for me to work and my husband to stay home.

It isn't ideal, and I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom, BUT my family also needs enough income to pay our bills, buy groceries, and still put back savings for college, fast-track our mortgage payments, etc.

I am VERY envious of SAHMs for being able to stay home with their children. However, it just isn't doable for my family. I do, however, find comfort in the fact that our children will be at home with their father instead of in a day care with strangers. I don't down other parents who have day care as their only option. I know we are very fortunate to be in a position where one of us can stay home. My husband is just as capable as I am when it comes to caring for our children. Some fathers make excellent SAHDs. I thank God it is an option for us, instead of both of us working.

And as far as being home with my children goes, I get more time off to be home while working my full-time job than some who work part-time. Out of a 35-day rotation, I only work 18. That gives me 17 days home (7 of which are in a row, back-to-back). The "normal" 40-hour-a-week job gives you 14 days home out of 35, of which each 2 are back-to-back. This of course takes into account no holidays, vacation time used, etc.

I can take 4 days or nights off from work in a row, and end up with 14 days off for family vacation, sitting around home together, or whatever. A much more flexible schedule than working five days a week, eight nours a day. And a lot better pay to boot!

thanks for the input. I only WISH I could SAH with our children, but it isn't feasible. At least one of us will be at home full-time with them. Some families aren't even that lucky.

Rosie Lee Warner said...

If money is more important than raising your child as a mother please reconsider having more children.

Men are not able to feed their children at their breast for a reason.

God provided mothers with milk.

Think about it.

All American families can survive and thrive on $40K/per year (or less).

Patricia said...

And God also gave man the knowledge to produce breast pumps so I can still nurse my child after I go back to work.

Can my family survive on $40K per year? Yes, but I want to give my children the best possible life I can. They won't have everything bought for them, but there will be no wondering where our next meal is coming from if my husband becomes disabled and can no longer build houses. If you're going to be such a judgemental bitch, maybe you shouldn't have children. You might damage their self-esteem by judging them more harshly than you do strangers.

London Belle said...

Sissy... I LOVE YOU!

& I think that you will be an AMAZING mother & my quite incredible brother-in-law will be a WONDERFUL father.

But do these people think that it's just gonna be you & your husband caring for these kids? Do they realize the size and commitment of your support group? All the people who are willing to babysit & help out around the house & such? Because I'm one of those people, you know that already.

These people are just jealous because YOU really do have it all, & all they have is 40k/yr and some dreams that obviously won't be coming true in this lifetime. Keep your head up, Trisha. You know you're doing a good job, and all those haters don't matter a bit.

As long as they keep coming back to your blog to criticize you more & try to bring you down, it just means you're so important that you have become the absolute center of their world. Funny thing is that they don't realize how strong & how much of a survivor you are. It's in the blood. :)

As for money, it IS important because you don't want to start worrying about where groceries for the next week will come from & if you'll be able to pay your light and water bills. Geez, these people are acting like you'll be at work all the time & the only parent your child will know is his father. Are these people dumb?!

Patricia said...

I don't know what their problem is. I think they have too much time on their hands since they are such perfect parents and all. Enough so that they can spend their time harassing strangers instead of spending more quality time with their families. You know, since they're always there anyway, so obviously they spend enough time with their children as it is.

They aren't gonna get me down. The close-minded, judgmental opinions of strangers really will have no effect on my life. Although, arguing with these hypocrites is a great stress reliever.

Now, my no-good-mother self has to go to my step-son's baseball game. Since I don't care about my children and all. Then I have to go to Huntsville to see Pooh, since she has gone back into labor. They got that stopped, but she's on hospitalized bed rest now. Still trying to get her to 34 weeks before the twins make their grandentrance. She'll be 28 weeks Monday.

And I love you, too Sissy. XOXO.