May 2, 2009

My crazy pregnancy/labor dream

Ok, so I know pregnant women are supposed to have really weird, extremely out there dreams at least a few times while they're pregnant. I haven't had but one or two so far. The one I had last night takes the cake, boys and girls. Fair warning, it's a doozy. Some might even think it's kinda graphic, sick, or just plain TMI. What I'm describing below does have a certain EWWWWW factor about it. If you read what I've written below, don't complain about it later when you can't get the images out of your mind. You've been warned.

The dream went like this:
It was time to be expecting the baby any day now. The bag was packed, carseat installed. Ready to go. And then I went into labor. My water broke. For some unknown reason, I decided to deliver the baby at home, myself, with no doctors or medication or anything. I could feel my contractions mounting, but they didn't hurt. I mean, I could feel the squeezing and pressure from the contractions, but they didn't hurt.

So I was sitting on the couch in our living room, except it was our couch, but not our living room. I had a clock, and we were timing my contractions. The whole family was at our house. I mean whole family as in both my and Michael's sides, plus our friends.... People everywhere, except no one was in the living room except me and Michael.

The time finally comes for me to push. So I sit back on the couch, and the baby's head pops through my.......... Stomach. Seriously, like in Alien. He crowns through my uterine wall, through my abdominal muscles, through my skin, and his head pops out of my stomach, just above and to the right of my belly button. He was face up and looking straight into my eyes, drawing his first deep breaths with no help. He didn't cry, only smiled instead. And it didn't hurt at all! Then, I reached down, grabbed his head, and pulled his body out of my stomach through the hole his head made. There was no blood, no gore, nothing. Just a clean baby and a hole in my stomach the size of a key lime.

Don't ask me how my child's head and body squeezed through a hole in my stomach the size of a key lime. I mean, I know they squeeze out of small, ummm, holes to begin with when you deliver them. I just remember, in my dream it seemed so odd that an entire baby could stretch that little bitty hole in my stomach enough to get out without ripping me wide open.

After I pulled him out, we clamped and cut the cord. Still no pain. Michael held him. Then my placenta began detaching. That's when the pain hit. More a stinging sensation that a stabbing one. Like I could feel my placenta peeling itself away from the wall of my uterus. After it detached, I pulled it out through the hole in my stomach and threw it in the garbage. Then I went to the bathroom, bandaged the hole in my stomach, and changed clothes. The hole left a little jagged scar on my stomach after it healed.

I told you, weird. Funny thing is, today I woke up with my stomach hurting in the exact spot that busted open in my dream. I think he was either headbutting or kicking me in that spot while I slept. It is sore today. Almost like it's bruised on the inside.

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