Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back......

I'm back! After almost 4 months of no blogging, I am back. I promised my sister I'd come back to blogging, so here I am.

So, tonight is my first night shift since coming back to work. And it's off to a really shitty start. My child is at home with Daddy. And how's it going for the two of them, you ask?

HE.WON'T.SLEEP.BECAUSE.I'M.NOT.THERE.SO.HE.CAN'T.NURSE.
RIGHT.NOW.TO.FALL.ASLEEP.....

Great. So now, of course, I feel like the crappiest Mommy on the face of the Earth. Yeah, it's sweet, he can't sleep at night without Mommy. But he's at home right now, fighting sleep and inadvertently irritating Michael because HE WON'T SLEEP AT NIGHT WITHOUT MOMMY!

On top of this, I get chewed out for being in the bathroom pumping when they needed me to go out and do a few minutes of work. "Where have you been the last hour? I needed you go to untag RCIC. I had to send Chip to do your work because we couldn't find you...."

Great, make a Mommy who's about to cry over her baby refusing to sleep feel even worse, why don't ya? Sorry my milk is trying to dry up, and it took me an hour to get it to let down to my pump, and then I only got just under 3 ounces, even though I haven't pumped or nursed since before 6:00, which was over 3 hours before I started trying to pump.... Two weeks ago I could get 4 ounces or more in less than that time. I spent my whole 7-off nursing my son every time he acted hungry, trying to up my supply. I wouldn't let him fall asleep nursing until he had emptied both breasts each time. You'd think it would increase my milk. But no. It's no better than it was at the end of last week, after working four days.

The really sucky thing is, My friend KW just had her baby September 1. She can nurse her son and THEN pump 8 ounces, which she is freezing for when she goes back to work. How is that fair??? He's ten days old. He can only eat two or three ounces at a time. There's no way she needs to be making that much milk. And her mother keeps mentioning it to me, which is just great. Talk about making me feel like a failure because my boobs won't do as I command. But no, no empathy for me. Just on and on about how productive KW's mammary glands are, while I sit here trying not to cry sometimes over the thought that I'm slowly losing my milk and I'm going to eventually give up on trying to breastfeed, waaaaay before either of us are ready. It's not like I have gallons frozen or anything. I've been lucky to make enough at work for a couple of bottles the next day. And the stress from missing my baby when I'm at work, trying to work, not making enough milk, and feeling guilty for not pulling my weight around the house are NOT helping my milk supply any.

Bless Michael's heart. He doesn't say anything about me not pulling my weight around the house. Every once in a while, if I'm off work, he'll ask me to do a load of laundry for us. Or to cook us something quick and easy. That's about all he every asks. I'm still doing the grocery shopping and menu planning and all that. Aaron usually cooks dinner, even when I'm off work. I've never had to worry about taking out our garbage or cutting grass. I think he knows I'm tired and stressed. He tries to do almost every bit of it so I don't have to. Bless him.

So, to recap: Work sucks. My child refuses to sleep tonight without Mommy. Michael is irritated at the lack of the baby sleeping. My milk is drying up. Today is September 11,2009, which is the eighth anniversary of the 9-11 attacks, and also the second anniversary of Toney dying.

I'm thinking of taking a daytime-only position, if they'll give me one. I'll lose most or all of my overtime, and I'll be working Monday through Friday every week, so there'll be less days off. But maybe it'll be worth it to be home every night. I don't know. I'm so tired right now. Tired of worrying about my milk, and pissing people off at work over my pumping taking up so much time, and worrying about helping clean the house, and.... Everything.

God, I wish I didn't have to work. Especially tonight. What I wouldn't give right now to be a stay-at-home mom. I guess I should be thankful I even have a job, much less one that pays so well. I just can't help but be so sad over everything I'm missing.....

If my milk supply would cooperate, and my boobs would let down better for my pump, it would be a tremendous help.


I am literally sitting here at work, with tears streaming down my face over all this. Maybe something will resolve itself soon.

I'm going to the bathroom now to wash my face and try to pull myself together before they need me to do something, which will require facing co-workers with red puffy eyes and a tear-stained face. If anyone made it through my rambling, emotional post, then bless you.

Also, another post with baby updates will be posted sometime later, depending on how busy we are the rest of the night. We're bringing a unit down tonight for some repairs, so we may be slammed pretty badly.

P.S. to Mom - Please know I'm thinking about you today. I'm sorry I didn't call to check on you. If it makes you feel better, Robbie wrote me on your birthday and I haven't sat down to write him back yet, either. I don't know yet what to say to him. Not much has changed. There's only a couple things new to tell him. And he can only have 5 pics at a time, so I don't know what they did with the rest of the 18 that I sent him last month, but he said for me to not send anymore right now, so....

But please know I am thinking of you.