Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back......

I'm back! After almost 4 months of no blogging, I am back. I promised my sister I'd come back to blogging, so here I am.

So, tonight is my first night shift since coming back to work. And it's off to a really shitty start. My child is at home with Daddy. And how's it going for the two of them, you ask?

HE.WON'T.SLEEP.BECAUSE.I'M.NOT.THERE.SO.HE.CAN'T.NURSE.
RIGHT.NOW.TO.FALL.ASLEEP.....

Great. So now, of course, I feel like the crappiest Mommy on the face of the Earth. Yeah, it's sweet, he can't sleep at night without Mommy. But he's at home right now, fighting sleep and inadvertently irritating Michael because HE WON'T SLEEP AT NIGHT WITHOUT MOMMY!

On top of this, I get chewed out for being in the bathroom pumping when they needed me to go out and do a few minutes of work. "Where have you been the last hour? I needed you go to untag RCIC. I had to send Chip to do your work because we couldn't find you...."

Great, make a Mommy who's about to cry over her baby refusing to sleep feel even worse, why don't ya? Sorry my milk is trying to dry up, and it took me an hour to get it to let down to my pump, and then I only got just under 3 ounces, even though I haven't pumped or nursed since before 6:00, which was over 3 hours before I started trying to pump.... Two weeks ago I could get 4 ounces or more in less than that time. I spent my whole 7-off nursing my son every time he acted hungry, trying to up my supply. I wouldn't let him fall asleep nursing until he had emptied both breasts each time. You'd think it would increase my milk. But no. It's no better than it was at the end of last week, after working four days.

The really sucky thing is, My friend KW just had her baby September 1. She can nurse her son and THEN pump 8 ounces, which she is freezing for when she goes back to work. How is that fair??? He's ten days old. He can only eat two or three ounces at a time. There's no way she needs to be making that much milk. And her mother keeps mentioning it to me, which is just great. Talk about making me feel like a failure because my boobs won't do as I command. But no, no empathy for me. Just on and on about how productive KW's mammary glands are, while I sit here trying not to cry sometimes over the thought that I'm slowly losing my milk and I'm going to eventually give up on trying to breastfeed, waaaaay before either of us are ready. It's not like I have gallons frozen or anything. I've been lucky to make enough at work for a couple of bottles the next day. And the stress from missing my baby when I'm at work, trying to work, not making enough milk, and feeling guilty for not pulling my weight around the house are NOT helping my milk supply any.

Bless Michael's heart. He doesn't say anything about me not pulling my weight around the house. Every once in a while, if I'm off work, he'll ask me to do a load of laundry for us. Or to cook us something quick and easy. That's about all he every asks. I'm still doing the grocery shopping and menu planning and all that. Aaron usually cooks dinner, even when I'm off work. I've never had to worry about taking out our garbage or cutting grass. I think he knows I'm tired and stressed. He tries to do almost every bit of it so I don't have to. Bless him.

So, to recap: Work sucks. My child refuses to sleep tonight without Mommy. Michael is irritated at the lack of the baby sleeping. My milk is drying up. Today is September 11,2009, which is the eighth anniversary of the 9-11 attacks, and also the second anniversary of Toney dying.

I'm thinking of taking a daytime-only position, if they'll give me one. I'll lose most or all of my overtime, and I'll be working Monday through Friday every week, so there'll be less days off. But maybe it'll be worth it to be home every night. I don't know. I'm so tired right now. Tired of worrying about my milk, and pissing people off at work over my pumping taking up so much time, and worrying about helping clean the house, and.... Everything.

God, I wish I didn't have to work. Especially tonight. What I wouldn't give right now to be a stay-at-home mom. I guess I should be thankful I even have a job, much less one that pays so well. I just can't help but be so sad over everything I'm missing.....

If my milk supply would cooperate, and my boobs would let down better for my pump, it would be a tremendous help.


I am literally sitting here at work, with tears streaming down my face over all this. Maybe something will resolve itself soon.

I'm going to the bathroom now to wash my face and try to pull myself together before they need me to do something, which will require facing co-workers with red puffy eyes and a tear-stained face. If anyone made it through my rambling, emotional post, then bless you.

Also, another post with baby updates will be posted sometime later, depending on how busy we are the rest of the night. We're bringing a unit down tonight for some repairs, so we may be slammed pretty badly.

P.S. to Mom - Please know I'm thinking about you today. I'm sorry I didn't call to check on you. If it makes you feel better, Robbie wrote me on your birthday and I haven't sat down to write him back yet, either. I don't know yet what to say to him. Not much has changed. There's only a couple things new to tell him. And he can only have 5 pics at a time, so I don't know what they did with the rest of the 18 that I sent him last month, but he said for me to not send anymore right now, so....

But please know I am thinking of you.

Update from today's doctor's visit

Nothing. Next Thursday we'll talk about options for induction dates if I've not delivered yet. Yay. I do have a slight backache coming and going, so there is a glimmer of hope. I didn't even have her check me for dilation today. Not worth the cramping after the internal exam to possibly hear "nothing happening". So no idea if I'm getting closer or not. I figure I'll know when contractions start. There;'s really no way to know when, even if I know I'm beginning to dilate, so why bother?

In other news, my SIL will have her c-section Friday morning at 7AM if she's not delivered by then.

I took my brother $40 today. I woke up at 3AM dreaming about him. Then, at 7:30 when my alarm woke us up for our doctor appointment, I woke up dreaming about Daddy. Little sleep was had last night. I took a 3-hour nap this evening.

I'm off to convince my husband that we need to find a place in Athens to get a big salad with everything in it (cukes, ham, bacon, maters, cheese.... everything.)

Are we there yet?

OK, so I stopped working a few weeks ago. The swelling in my ankles wouldn't go away. Not to worry, as soon as I stopped working it went back to normal pregnancy swelling. We've been filling our days with visiting friends and family, cleaning, and relaxing.

I'm due in 17 days. No progress as of last Thursday. We go back in tomorrow for another weekly checkup, including internal to check for dilation and effacement. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

The baby dropped a couple of weeks ago. He seems to really enjoy headbutting me in my nether regions, as well as my bladder. He has actually hurt me so bad that a few times in the last few weeks I could do nothing more than lay on the couch and cry due to the stabbing pain (AKA lightning crotch, since it feels like lightning has struck you in the crotch area, for those that aren't familiar with the term). My poor husband kept telling me one night, during a really good round of headbut-momma-in-her-no-no-spot, how sorry he was that I had to go through that particular side effect of late pregnancy. I swear, my first child NEVER did this to me. I think I would remember the lovely feeling of being stabbed repeatedly up my va-jay-jay, even nine years later.

Had some pain in my lower back all afternoon yesterday and all night last night. Just a dull, not exactly constant, ache in the lowest part of my back. Went away this morning. Had hoped it was a sign of impending (like in the next week) labor. Alas, the back pain is gone. Crap. I was so hopeful yesterday evening, when even rest (sitting, reclining, laying) didn't help.

My sister-in-law will be having her c-section Friday to deliver the twins if she hasn't had them by then. She had a lot of complications having her first child, and has already been hospitalized twice for preterm labor in this pregnancy. Due to the previous complications and the fact that she's having twins, her doctor strongly suggested a c-section whether labor starts naturally or not. She's due in less than 5 weeks, so her doctor says the babies should thrive even at this point. Please pray for her and the girls. We don't expect any problems, but you never know...

My grandfather is having surgery next Monday to correct/patch his hernia. The surgeon will go in through his belly button, patch the hernia, keep him for observation for several hours, and hopefully send him home the same day. Pray for him, please.

Part of me is jealous of my SIL. I got pregnant first, we planned and tried for our baby (her pregnancy wasn't planned to happen this early, she got pregnant before they wanted) and I'm due 10 days before her, but her babies will probably be here before ours. I do feel blessed, though, in knowing that all is expected to be perfect with her babies, no matter when they get here. In the end, the health of our family is all that really matters. As long as all three babies (her two girls and our boy) are healthy and thriving and don't need any medical intervention, I'll be happy. I've worried a lot about her and the girls. She's had a lot of problems, and has had to fight at times to keep them in and baking, as they should be. Thankfully, she has made it well past the date her doctor set as the "we-aren't-gonna-stop-it-if-you-go-into-labor-after-this-day" milestone. We all breathed a sigh of relief after hearing that. It's been pretty cool, being due so close together. We hit the same milestones at pretty much the same time. We've been able to compare belly size (for the first 6 months, until her two babies outgrew my one). We have belly pics of the two of us together. We were both obviously pregnant for my baby shower, which resulted in some really cool pics, as well as funny conversation.

Her son knows there are babies in Mommy's belly, even if he doesn't exactly understand what that means. She can ask him where his sisters are, and he does the cutest thing. He lifts her shirt to reveal her bare belly and pushes her belly button (or as she calls it, the eject button) with his finger. He'll do it to me when I ask him where my baby is. So cute! He's only 16 months old, and that smart already. He remembers where the babies are. Amazing.

My step-son broke his arm a few weeks ago, on May 23. He's fine, but most of his summer will be spent in a cast. He broke it the Saturday before school ended. Three days of school left, and my kid can't use his arm to write. Thankfully, his class had already finished all their assignments and grades were already calculated when it happened.

The last few weeks have been filled with tragedy in our community. Three deaths in less than 4 weeks.

A dear friend of ours passed away Saturday night, from pancreatic cancer. His visitation is tonight, with the funeral tomorrow. Please pray for his family, that God may guide them through this very difficult time. He had a son (18) and a daughter (around 11 or so). His nephew died just months ago, at the age of 16. The last several months have been especially hard on this family. We may or may not go to his services. The thought of a midday burial, in 90+ degree heat, while almost 38 weeks pregnant does not sound that great to me. It was bad in March when Michael's grandfather died. It sounds worse now. If we do go, we may just do the service and not the burial. If we get out of the doctor's office in time to go. My appointment is 9AM. The funeral starts at 11.

Another aquantance of ours dies late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, from a car accident. His wife was in the truck with him when they wrecked. She had to be flown to Huntsville Hospital. Their truck flipped, and both were thrown (not wearing their seatbelts). The cab of the truck landed on him, and he was pronounced at the scene of the accident. She is expected to recover. We just found out about them this afternoon. His funeral was to be at the graveside this afternoon. Due to the late notice (I stumbled on the news article on the local paper website while looking up the arrangements for the OTHER funeral) we did not attend.

My last day of work, a high school classmate of mine died in a car accident. His wife was injured, but has physically recovered. They just got married last July. At the time of the accident, they had a 6-week-old son, their first child. Truly a tragedy. Their life together had just began. Now she is a widow with an infant son who will never truly know his father. Also killed in the accident was a man who lived not far from us, a man we knew in passing. We weren't friends with any of the people involved, but my heart aches for them. Either Michael or myself knew all three people involved in the accident. This is the first member of my graduating class to be lost since we graduated in May 2001. Hopefully it is the last for a very long time.

As my time draws near to have our child, updates will probably be as sporadic as they have been the last month (meaning, one or two a month) until I get things back together. I just have absolutely no energy to do more than required of me right now. No burst of energy to nest. Nothing. I will be sure to post after delivery some time, and to post a birth story in the (hopefully near) future. More than that can not be promised.

Hopefully today's hour-long shopping experience in Wal-mart will help jump-start something. So far, nada. Hopefully, I will hear of news in the dilation/effacement area tomorrow morning. Hopefully, all the hospitilizations in my family's very near future will end very well.